Alternative Olympics

Remember when Americans spent hours watching people perform athletic tasks in spandex? That’s right my friends, I’m talking about my holiday dance parties. And the Olympics. In honor of that exciting moment in history, I’ve created a list of categories I’d rather watch than actual athletics.

1. Texting and driving. Sure, it’s frowned upon and illegal in some states but dang, I’d love to watch this on a closed course. I’m talking old school Nokia, no predictable text, no touch screen, and any spelling or grammatical error gets you automatically disqualified.

2. Luxurious Hair Competition. We all know Katt Williams would take gold, but who do you think would get silver and bronze?

3. Carrying Groceries to Your Third Story Apartment. I just put this on here because I know I would win.

4. Power Hour With Red, Red Wine. If anyone (Mitchsterroboto) takes on this challenge, please record a video and post below. Seriously.

5. Best Pranks of All Time. I’m feeling a Jackass-type competition with more Speedos. Or less Speedos.

6. Beer float eating contest. First one to throw up loses. Ready, set, go!

7. Naked Twister.  I’m referring to the actual game Twister, not what you did after your quinceanera.

8. Team Slip-n-Slide.  Each team would be required to bring tarps, baby oil, and a drunk uncle.

9. Dancing With the Stars, Amputee Version. Yes I really just said that.

10. Reader’s Choice – what would you like to see?

P.S. Happy Holidays. If you see black Santa, tell him I’m still waiting on that beeper.