My Dog's a Perv

About a year ago I adopted an adorable Australian Shepherd/Border Collie mix named Harper. She has been a faithful companion and very efficient during our morning dance-offs. She recently started doing bizarre stuff and at first I thought maybe she had contracted a mental disorder, but then I realized she’s just a pervert.

She lays on her back and rolls around all dog-sexy like. I assumed that because she lives with me, my sexiness had just rubbed off.  Then she started making these terrible slurping noises and looked like she was making slow, sweet tongue love to her paws. Can you imagine that waking up to that? My initial reaction is irritation, then pleasant surprise like “well this could be fun,” followed by throwing up in my mouth when I realize what the noise is.

She also painstakingly takes down as many shoes as she can reach (which is more than you might think) and spreads them all over the bathroom while I’m gone. I’m pretty sure she parades around in them too because the heels are always scattered with reckless abandon like she was wearing them and then said “Forget this, I’m gonna go sniff some panties!” (you see how she thinks? Total perv.) Then again, she’s like 56 in people years so maybe it’s some weird dog menopause thing.

"I got eight boobies, bitches!"

Sometimes she even tries to sleep in the bed with me but if I wanted to sleep next to the Slurpee McGee noise I would’ve just kept my high school boyfriend. It’s a good thing I haven’t been letting her on the bed because I figured out she’s not retarded OR dog-sexy – she just got into some ticks and it’s been making her act weirder than usual.  It’s also been completely freaking me out. Do you know how hard those things are to kill?!

I walk around my apartment like a tick sniper, silently stalking and ready at any time to eliminate the target. I found one walking on my kitchen floor. Walking on my kitchen floor. What a self –righteous little twit. As I killed it, I couldn’t help saying hurtful things like “yeah! Tell your friends!” and “you have tiny little legs anyway you disgusting arachnid!” But seriously, they’re gross so I felt like it was warranted.

Moral of the story: don’t sleep with your dog, even if they’re not a perv.

This is Harper after I told her about this article. She sends her apologies for the prior nip shot.