You Are What You Eat and Today I'm Asian.

It's not malaria - I'm just Asian.

          We’ve all heard you are what you eat. Recently I tested this theory and guess what – it’s really true. It’s true for a lot of legitimate reasons like every 28 days you get new skin made from what you’ve been eating, but this blog isn’t about being legitimate so let’s move on. Last week I ate Pad Thai four times. Yeah, four times in the same week and you can get off my crushed peanuts about it. I also ate sushi and drank enough sake to light a bonfire with a single burp. Anyway the point is, for a moment I became Asian. Suddenly my steps were silent, my eyes got squinty, I spoke too fast in a really funny accent and referred to myself as “Tracy.”

Here’s the thing about Asians – they’re book smart and vedy vedy sneaky. You rarely find those 2 characteristics together but for one glorious moment in time, I did. I realized a lot of important stuff like how to write scientific algorithms, how to split saltwater atoms to fuel the world without the use of electricity, and the cure to cancer. I also realized some sneaky Asian stuff that never dawned on me before.

Observation 1 – Cooked oysters are basically mushrooms. Oysters are seafood and Asia is surrounded by sea. (i.e. those Chinese buffets have been serving more fake meat than just Chihuahua) Mushrooms are clearly Asian because of the name “Shiitake” which allows them to cuss in Engrish.  Do you see the connection here?

Eating oysters before I was Asian. I was so happy then.

Observation 2 – They’re blatantly sexual. While Asians are busy breastfeeding and playing drums with chop sticks, we Americans are being played like fiddles. Take a look at the most popular Asian dish: sushi. It’s a dish that smells like fish and looks like genitalia. Besides that, how many Asian names sound like male anatomy? (Dong? Wang? Dang?  Feel free to add your own in the comments section)



Fleshy pink mounds anyone?

How about a rainbow penis roll?!

 

Observation 3 – I have little feet. I’ve always known they were little but when I was Asian I thought “oh NO. Somebody must’ve wrapped these bad boys up while I was sleeping in hopes that I would have foot paralysis and then be dependent on an Asian dude…” Then I woke up to my own voice shouting “aw hell no!” and suddenly I was white again. Or a quarter black, it’s hard for me to know anymore.

See what I mean?!

Most importantly – Fortune cookies can suck it. They rarely include an actual fortune and when they do, they’re false. I’ve been waiting on my supposed soul mate to win the lottery since one cookie 15 years ago. RUDE. Why don’t they just call fortune cookies the “you think you’re getting a fortune but all I’m going to do is frustrate you with a tiny piece of paper and taste like a diet” cookie? Not that I’m bitter or anything. I’m totally over it.



"I bet you thought you'd get a fortune, you American suckaaaa!"

Moral of the story: Watch out for the spicy (burns when you pee) tuna (lady biz) roll (gentleman biz). It just doesn’t add up.

P.S. Next week I’m going to drink Jose Cuervo and eat enchiladas. I expect the outcome will be similar to the picture above, plus my floors will be super shiny.