What She Says vs. What She Means

       Based on multiple failed relationships, I feel like I'm the perfect person to give dating advice. For instance, there seems to be a major breakdown between what women say and what they mean. For those who don't get it (men), let me help you.

 

She says...
Don't get me anything for my birthday/Christmas/Hanukkah/Valentine's/Wednesday.
She means...
Get her something thoughtful.
What to do...
Odds are that she's mentioned what she wants, in writing, recently. (Look at the nouns in your text messages.) If you're still not sure just ask one of her girlfriends. Oh, and then obtain and deliver the gift. Preferably in a loincloth.

Try this one

She says...
Whatever you think.
She means...
I trust you to make a wise decision. After all, you're the one with external genitalia.
What to do...
Decide on the restaurant (or whatever) already. If the place sucks, just take her to look at knives. That always works.

Magically distracting

She says...
I like your new hat.
She means...
I bet it'll be comfortable on me after you break it in.
What to do...
Don't get it too sweaty and let her wear it. (giggity.)

She says...
I'm not sure what to do about ________.
She means...
I trust you enough be vulnerable so don't be a dick.
What to do...
Let her finish the whole story before you give suggestions. Most of the time we just want to be heard and don't require you to fix anything.

She says...
Hey good lookin'.
She means...
She's picturing you without a shirt on holding her like on the cover of a best-selling Harlequin romance novel, but sexier and much more awesome.
What to do...
Kiss her on the mouth, or break into a random dance party. Or both.

You're welcome.

She says...
It's fine.
She means...
You're fucked.
What to do...
Give her a long hug and tell her you're sorry for being stupid. Then stop being stupid by listening to her. Unless she's holding a weapon, then flee immediately.



I would write more of these but apparently these are geared towards women like me and I'm being told there aren't many. (except Mother Theresa, Miranda Lambert, and Oprah before she got weird.)