Rapping Jesus

Oh. my. lanta! - I have to tell you the most hilarious story about what I witnessed last Saturday night.

You know it's going to be a good night when it starts like this. I'm in green.

If you're ever near Fairview, check out a little bar called Conway's. It's on Stacy Road and it's cool on the inside, and super classy. I know it's classy because the walls in the women's bathroom are the color of neon pepto AND JESUS WAS PLAYING GUITAR THERE. Yes, you read correctly.


Well it wasn't the real Jesus, maybe more like a generic "hey seuss" type but believe me, it was glorious. Imagine this - you're sitting at a high top table with 3 friends, enjoying a XX (the beer, you pervs, the beer) when all of a sudden, you see him. *intense curiosity-raising music* A 50-something, long haired, goateed, pleather-pants wearing man with an electric guitar and possibly padded underwear. I made a joke about how I almost wore the same pants and how embarrassing that would've been - then karma bitch slapped me because I actually have the hat he was wearing and I had to shut up. ....until he sauntered off the stage during a song, came over to our table and played half of "Freebird" directed strategically at my crotch.  (insert dramatic "suck it" gestures here.)

I think it was some weird Freudian slip with the whole freebird/freecrotch vibe he was sending but after my history with another long-haired musician, I was immune to it. My friends said it was awkward, I thought it was interesting and it seemed as though Jesus assumed he was approaching holy ground. Which he was, depending on who you ask.

But wait, there's more. After his finger-frolicking guitar solo to my ladybusiness, he went back on stage to introduce the band. (FYI - he was only the frontman in his heart. The lead lady singer was vying for the attention of all 12 patrons the whole time.) Then, like a bolt of lightning, it happened. Somewhere in the band introductions, he started rapping. YES! Rapping. Rapping about Jesus. It seemed to make everyone else uncomfortable but I thought it was pretty cool. It was like watching a twisted SNL skit where grungy Jesus raps about not-grungy Jesus except even better than it sounds.

It was kind of like this, but creepier and with a questionable hat

Among the "fans" was an intriguing older couple with obviously-dyed jet black hair and sun glasses. Inside. At 11pm. But it was all cool because they awkwardly held hands and let their knees graze each others' as they expressionlessly watched rapping Jesus and his hip-twisting leading frontlady. The whole thing reminded me of a bad day in 7th grade. ... or a good day in 7th grade. *pensive face*

After everyone at our table got eye-molested (or as I prefer to say, gently caressed), Evan stole this professionally made sign from the bathroom and we split.

In case you can't read the professionally hand-written details - it's Classic Rock AND R&B. Bitches.

I don't want to sound judgmental, but I'm pretty sure this was a prostitute. Or a female douchebag who was also in town for the convention. Or both.

We ended up at another place where there was an apparent Douchebag Convention and... dundunnununaaaah!


A big, cornfed, ginger redneck who was straight up breaking it down on the dance floor. When I tell you he was getting after it, he was SERIOUSLY shaking his big o' redneck booty like a drunk cajun who just got their refund check, early. It was one of the best things I've ever seen. It was like a Britney Spears video set to the "Rump Shaker" song with Hank Hill doing all the right dance moves. Seriously, he outdanced the sexy version of Michelle Obama and 2 different sets of lesbians. All the while, his wranglers were tucked into his boots. *sigh* Hilarity at its finest.





This was the best picture I could get. He was moving faster than a fox on crack.

Moral of the story: Only Mexicans are ballsy enough to name a kid Jesus.