Confessions From a Corner Booth

I wasn’t that close to my dad as a kid, but now that we’re grown things have gotten more enjoyable. Recently we had a relatively deep heart to heart over – you guessed it – an A1 Thick & Hearty Burger.

The conversation started when I went to visit him on an overnight shift. (hence the swanky dining choice) I ordered grilled chicken, he made a quip about being healthy at Whataburger and we both smirked at the cashier. (in my mind the cashier’s name is LaDonte and his firstborn child is named Velveeta Louise.)

Anyway we were eating and I was busy wondering WTF kind of place serves 40 ounce milk shakes when he non-chalantly asked “so why are you still single?” For a minute I was caught off guard because 1. That's been creepy every other time it came from a 50 year old man in the middle of the night and 2. He’s never, EVER asked anything like that before. (as some of you know, my mom is the one who’s been pushing for grandbabies since I was in utero.)

I tried to buy some time by slow-motion chewing the fry that I had so gracefully inserted into my mouth (and it was one of the fries that’s too crispy, so it made that weird cracking noise) and He continued with “you’re so funny, and beautiful. And smart…”

I stared at him with the “where the hell was this speech when I needed it in the 5^th grade after mom let me get a mullet” face. Then I admitted that I don’t know why I’m still single, just that I am and on most days that’s the easiest thing to be. So we were right in this middle of a CTJ (come to Jesus) and having a kind of deep conversation and then my jaw dropped when he said...

 

Dad: I think you can be really intimidating to men.

Me: *completely flabbergasted* ME? …. Intimidating?!.....

Dad: Yes.

Me: Maybe men shouldn’t be such pussies.

Dad: This is exactly what I’m talking about.

 

I thought men were into girls with assault rifles...?

 

Intimidating? If this baby was Chinese, I'd be a world rights activist.

What? But I need this gun to protect the baby!

Moral of the story – No matter how old you get, you still regret using profanity in front of your parents.